Modern Love

What’s Going On?

My friends kept making fun of me. But I did not feel bad, I had stopped feeling bad for a long time now. My life had never been as exciting as theirs, given your own definition of excitement. And theirs, was that I never had debaucheries to tell about, I was the forever alone friend. When I was young, I went through a period where I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I never felt attracted to any boy. Where my friends had numerous relationships to boast of, I was the inexperienced fool whose advice did not count. I tried being part of the conversations, when my friends would sigh over the hot bodies that surrounded us, but it was all pretend. I started thinking maybe I swing some other way. That is when the first experiment came about.

Me and my best friend were drunk, lying in my bed talking. She was complaining about how her boyfriend has been an ass. We were closer than we normally are in terms of proximity, and I remember struggling in my brain whether I should make a move. Whats wrong in trying it out right? I loved her, she was my confidant. I bent over her and kissed her on her lips. She smiled, and we went on kissing until we slept. I felt a little excitement at first, thinking this is it, maybe I never felt anything for any guy because I was in fact attracted to girls. But I did not feel like going ahead and doing something else. Her soft lips were fine, but I did not feel turned on by them half way through. The initial attraction that I felt towards her, faded.

In the morning, we laughed about what had happened, and I confessed to her that I thought I was a lesbian. Turns out I am not. I was still confused, maybe I am asexual I thought to myself. There can be no other explanation. I started believing it, because there was no evidence otherwise. Until I met Tom of course (I have changed his name for privacy purposes).

Tom and I met in our first year of college, and we clicked immediately. I could talk to him for hours. He was the first one I ever confessed my best friend making out incident to. People started raising questions regarding us before I thought about the matter myself. Even though we were practically doing everything together, the idea of being together had not occurred to me. Again, in his room, we lay on his bed trying to work out a math problem. It was pretty normal for us, until he turned on the stereo. ‘Care to dance?’ He said, and held my hand. Our bodies swung together, and that is the first time we kissed. I wanted to go on, and so I did not stop him. Somewhere in the middle, I remember losing interest. I struggled to remain in the flow, but it was hard. I loved Tom, and it felt like I was attracted to him as well, but I did not always feel like having sex. He on the other hand, wanted to fix me with love. Sometimes, it would be great, but mostly I would do it for him. Inside, I knew I needed to see a doctor.

A demisexual is someone who only feels attracted to people with whom he/she has a close emotional connection, but it does not always mean that sex will follow.

It was a revelation. Demisexuality. It felt like I had suddenly discovered myself. All the parts of me that were a mystery, now made sense. A demisexual is someone who only feels attracted to people with whom he/she has a close emotional connection, but it does not always mean that sex will follow. Some demisexuals love sex with the person they are close with, others are attracted to the person but do not always feel like having sex because the act itself is a little repulsive for them. With information, came acceptance. I was not abnormal then, I just had a different kind of orientation. Tom laughed at it initially, confessing he felt unattractive most of the times because we were not having as much sex as our friends did. It felt like a blessing having a boyfriend who understood you like that. The information eliminated feelings of ‘being unattractive to the other’ or ‘being unwanted’ that may have arisen before because we were not aware that it is a natural thing, which cannot be changed.

However, there is a darker side to it as well. A feeling of not being enough for the people who love you. I have often wondered if I should end things with Tom, even if he is the only one that I truly felt attracted to, but since I am not there physically as much as he would like me to be, maybe I should let him explore other options where he gets the best of both worlds. Those dark days are not so great. I have voiced my thoughts in front of him, and he thinks the bond is worth it, and a little less sex he can live with. Communication has helped us move on.  I am the minority kind of demisexuals who are a little repulsed by the act itself.

My conversations with my boyfriend are less naughty, and our time together alone in a room is quite PG 13, where most of the times we hold each other and sleep. But we love each other more than we have loved anybody in the world, and that is what is working for us, till it works.